Sunday Sessions, where I've been.

It has been a rather long time, hasn't it?

If you've been wondering what I have been up to, then it can be found here, at An Archive of Our Own. I've been busy writing James Bond/Skyfall fanfiction! And having an extraordinarily amount of fun doing so!

Remember Remember: Bond/Q - Explicit  He remembered dancing. How it felt like gliding on clouds, while he was guided by James’ expert hands and the soft rumble of his voice in his ear. He could remember James trembling beneath his hands, he braved a look at the injury on his shoulder and all he could see was red. And he could remember Eve’s soothing hands over his tired face, whispering words of calm in a voice that seemed so magical.

It was given a review too! How awesome! 

Dance: Bond/Q - Non Explicit   S - Show us an example of your personal headcanon. Q’s slender frame is NOT a cause of an eating disorder or malnutrition, but of indulging in delicious foods, a lightning fast metabolism, and dancing.

Forest: Bond/Q - Explicit   There was blood. Blood everywhere. They didn't want information. This was punishment for getting caught.

Play Not with the Gods Lest Ye Be Burned: Bond/Vesper, Bond/Q - Explicit  "You think that I am lying, James, and I see you want death all the same. But when the time comes, when you are in the midst of love's glory, and I finally come for you, you will beg me to let you live. This is my promise, James, since you do not heed my words, since you will not take your death unbeknownst like a human being. You will wish that you had never begged for death, when you do not know what the future holds." He found himself once again, in a flash, staring into her eyes, and her last words were a breath against his lips. "Do not play with the Gods, James Bond, unless you are one."


So that is what I have been up to. The new year has come and gone, so has Christmas, and I am finally settling down into the year that is to come. I am sorting myself out, as well as my goals and resolutions, my dreams and my plans.


But before all that, I thought I would easy myself back into it all with a little link up.

I read a fanfiction a while ago now from the Bond/Q fandom, called The Side Effects of Dying, and it simply tore my heart apart, half way between that good and bad hurt. It left me crying for about an hour after I finished reading.

Well, then I found there was an accomanying playlist, made with 8tracks, I think I listened to this for about three hours straight, then bought most of the songs on the list.

It's bittersweet and calming, exactly the sort of songs that I would love to have, if my life was one of those heart wrenching but utterly lovely alternative movies that they often show at The Dendy. Even if you can't relate it back to the story, it is still a lovely and sad mix to listen to.

8tracks is one of my new loves. So many good compilations.

Now excuse me while I give my heart a bit of a rest.

Be Fine Till The End of the Week from HorizonSkyfall on 8tracks Radio.

 

We Heart Life 2012

It's time once again, for the We Heart Life 'Heart Your Body' Campaign!

This year has been a hard year for body loving, I have to admit.

For about four months, the whole of my torso, chest and legs have been covered in welts, bruises, rashes because of some skin condition that was caused by a very vicious chest infection. I looked like a Albino Dalmatian.



I felt so self conscious. I was itchy. I was scratching. I was feeling so freaked out and scared by the marks that were slowly creeping their way up my chest and winding their way around my neck.

I thought that James would never love me again and would get scared away by all the ugly marks that had started to grow.

Then there was the skin on my face.

All of a sudden, I couldn't wear makeup.

Everything reacted to me. The skin on my eyelids were dry and sore. Everything burned. Burned like hell fire. I couldn't even cry because the salt water just made everything worse.

Slowly and slowly, I felt less and less beautiful.

I couldn't even make myself feel beautiful.

I was more and more stressed. More and more tired.

Then, through ingesting as many vitamins and probiotics and potions that my nutritionist Aunty could feed me, the rash went away.

So now I am left with a kind of mottling bruise that is slowly SLOWLY fading.


I am slowly researching makeup that I can wear to make myself feel better again, without the pain.

And I am slowly recovering my sense of self worth and self esteem.

But the whole point of this post and this campaign is to CHANGE YOUR MIND about yourself. To find the things that you LOVE about the body you are in.

I mean, you only get one.

What's the point in hating it, right?

So. Here are the reasons, why, at the moment, I haven't completely lost faith in MY body.

My sexy sexy bed and shower hair.

It never fails, and I am quite a bit smug about this, but my bed hair and freshly washed damp shower hair look GOOD. That at home kind of cute sexy look. I love it.

My eyes.

This makes an appearance every year, but they are the ONE part of me that I am always proud of. That everyone comments on. That are so BLUE.

The curve of my neck and shoulders.

 Oh yes, not a collarbone in sight, but that's okay, because I hate the sight of them anyway. But I have a long neck and sloping shoulders. Plus, straps never slide off my shoulders!

The way I can wear wigs.

Did I mention I like to wear wigs? Any they always seem to suit! I love to dress up, costumes, makeup, fake ears, wigs! No one I know can wear a wig like me. That's something to be proud of I think.

So join in! Head over to We Heart Life and share what you love about your body. Help people everywhere regain their self confidence, just like I am!

I care when he isn't there.

Too much of a good thing is supposed to be bad for you right?

For the past year, I have had James around me for every waking moment. Every moment spent at home, a place that is supposed to be my sanctuary, has been filled with him.

When I was out of work myself, I spent the majority of my time looking for jobs, and once a week attended TAFE, I always worried about becoming a burden, a bore, like a bad smell that just seemed to hang in the air. I was worried that the people who loved me would get sick of me. Get rid of me and wanted me gone because I thought that they would do nothing but think I lazed around doing absolutely nothing.

When James was working full time with his apprenticeship, and I was working every single waking hour at David Jones, on conflicting schedules, I wished I was with him every minute I was away. We spent the time that we could together, and that as much as I could ask for.

When I steadied at DJ's, and he was still working full time, I was able to have a few precious hours to myself, and cherished the rest of the time I was able to be in his presence. It was a delicious balance.

But when he lost his job, and all of sudden, he was there ALL THE TIME, things began to crumble.

I was starting to think of him what had so scared me, what I was so frightened to have people think of ME.

When you are in the middle, you can never seen the beginning or the end. It is darkest just before the dawn. When you're so deep in the dark, you can not see the light. That sort of thing.

For almost a year, all I could think of is how much I just wanted to be alone. I wanted silence. I wanted solitude. I wanted my clean sitting room to stay clean for more than five minutes after I had cleaned it.

But the most terrifying thought of all was that I was going to get sick of him being around, find it too much, and leave.

Of course, I never told him this, for one's thoughts during a blind panic brought on my stress, sadness and anger, do not really make a lot of sense. Of course, I also over think things.

And then all of a sudden, James got a part time job with Manly Leagues.

All of a sudden, he was missing from my nights.

Which was okay, a few nights a week. A great start.

Then he got another part time job.

All of sudden, he was gone completely.

The first week, I saw him for about an hour a day.

And it hit me, it really did, it felt like someone had pushed me down and placed the very large sole of their boot straight on my chest and just PUSHED.

I cried, every single night that I had to go to bed without him.

I told this all to a friend of mine at work, and he went on to say this.

"I dated a boy once. The reason I knew that he wasn't the one, is because I was annoyed when he was around me, and didn't care less when he wasn't."

It was like a light bulb just flicked its little self into 'on' in my brain.

Just because you go through rough patches, and you trick your brain into thinking that SOMETHING will happen for sure, doesn't mean it will.

Just because you wish, that the one you love was just gone, when he has been trying and you are at your wits end, especially when things are difficult, it doesn't mean that you don't love them anymore.




He is no longer working the second job because they were being arse hats and treating him very poorly, so he is back to working a couple of days a week.


I've found balance again, but I think I am more prepared for the next time now. Sure, he is gone now, and I miss him terribly, but I am no longer in tears.


I miss him, it feels like he should be HERE with me. A great turn from even a month or two ago.

I think after all this, I love James even more than I did before.


It's such a relief to finally realize it again!

Missing.

The thought of James working shifts any different to what he was working before, or what I'm working now, is still trying to click in my brain.

It has been so long since he lost his job, and during this long year, I have been overwhelmed and frustrated and angry that I have not been able to spend a minute alone.

I would go to work and be around people. I would go to the gym and be around people. I would be on the bus with other people. I would be at home, and be surrounded by people.

I would hope and wish and dream to just be alone, to be in the peace and quiet and just have some time to myself!

Funny, how now I wish he was here, and every moment without him just eats away in my chest.

It hits me most when I go to bed.

I mean, when I am downstairs, there is always something to do. There is dinner to cook, and mess to clean and washing to do, and books to read, and games to play. The cats come to bother me, and I can hear his parents upstairs, and I just miss him, but I get along just fine.

Then I go to bed, and my heart seems to cave in.

It always seems to happen the same.

I wash my face, and brush my hair, have a shower, sometimes I wait till morning. Change into my night clothes, pick up his towel and robe from the floor, drop any dirty washing into the basket, turn off the light, slide into bed.

And he's not there.

I curl the sheets around me, and they come freely, without a grumble from my right, and it all just seems very wrong.

And then I cry, and cry, and cry.

Not the gentle crying, that romance movie type of cry where the make up stays in place and your eyes sparkle.

The type of cry that makes you press your pillow over your face just to stiffle the sobs, with the runny nose and the slobber and the blood shot eyes which make me thankful that it IS dark when he comes home.

And I just want to curl up against him or have him hold me and kiss my hair and take away all the hurt, but he can't, because he's not THERE.

It's such a shock to my system.

To have him there, twenty four seven, and then to hardly see him at all.

It is unlike anything I have ever really encountered before, and I am having a very hard time coping.

What makes it worse is not knowing when he's working.

Today, I promised myself that as soon as he got his rosters, I would stick them all in my calendar, and work out some time for us. He then forgot to bring them home, and I was so very furious,

I wanted to yell and scream and for him to just act like an adult and not treat us like a game. I had told him what I was going to do, and what I needed him to do, and then he forgets.

But the little rational Brittonie sitting on my shoulder decided that was not a good idea. He just forgot something, like a normal human being.

And as I sit in bed, having just finished crying my heart out for about the fifth time in a row, that is what I am right now, a normal human being.

I am a normal young woman, learning to deal with the harshness of reality. Learning to learn to cope without the man she loves beside her. Learning to cope with something that she has never felt before.

I have said this before, that I could never be an army wife. I could never let him go for such long periods of time, for that is too long for me to not have a heart inside my chest. I have every respect for women and men who can just let their heart go.

I am trying to remember that he won't be gone forever.

I am trying to remember that he is probably missing me as much as I miss him too.

And when I finally feel him slide into bed in the early hours of the morning, I will once again feel so silly for ever feeling like this.

Until the next night that I come to bed, and he isn't there.

 

 

Does your partner work away from you? Split shifts? Hours away? Night and day?

How do you cope?

 

Tonight

Tonight, I feel good.

I feel very very good.

I feel rested and peaceful and clean and fresh and just plain GOOD.

This is a feeling I have not had in a very long time.

Tonight, I sat in the bath for almost an hour, to feel the silky slide of freshly shaved legs against each other, until my fingers felt rough with the creases, until the water went cold and the dampness crept into my hair.

Tonight, I devoured a whole packet of Dark Chocolate Tim Tams while I watched a few episodes of Futurama on DVD. I found that Dark Chocolate ones are defiantly my favorite now.

Tonight, I felt the heat curl in my stomach as I equally devoured story after story of my now most favorite pairing. My heart fluttered and my breath caught in my throat as I found some of the most delicious fiction of Oerba Yun Fang and Claire Lightning Farron. A strong, lonely solider having her walls torn down and being loved so deeply, by an equally intoxicating, determined and strapping woman with a pleasurable Australian accent is just food for my soul.

Tonight, I managed to receive some closure on the spread of angry red marks that are spreading all over my skin. My beloved Aunty is on the case, ready to cleanse me from the inside out. Nothing is better to me than a strict plan for making me feel well again.

Tonight, the sickness and dizziness and chills and the flushes have kept at bay.

Tonight, I struggled through battle against a mechanical demon with lightning and thundaga. Thirteen is MY Final Fantasy of choice.

Tonight, James has finished work early, so I will be up to greet him at the door with a kiss.

Tonight, work has not plagued me. I have shut it out. I have made myself unavailable and have not answered the phone.

Tonight, I will accept nothing but the best Chocolate Chip Ice Cream for my dinner.

Tonight, is a night that will not be ruined. For I do not know when I will have one like this again.

Tonight, I finished my new design for my online home, and for once, I am happy with it.



Tonight, what is in store for you?

Source: idiotwindblowingeverytime.tumblr.com via Marine on Pinterest

A List for the Holidays!

I, like I think everyone here, loves the thought of a good holiday away from work.

It's strange, how when I was out of work, and how James is out of work right now, the thought of holidays were cringe worthy, but I guess it comes with the territory.

But right now, after the shocking time that I have had at work lately, and after my quite heavy, but silent, emotional breakdown that I had during stocktake a few weeks ago, I have forced myself into leaving work, as much as I can, at work, where it belongs.

My last holidays, were not really holidays, I spent half the time at work, in my head, glued to my phone and my emails, still contacting suppliers, still filling out spreadsheets, and just plain worrying.

But now, what is on my mind at home, is different, and I'm busy planning the multitude of things that I have challenged myself to complete!

Of course, I will keep adding to the list, and if I have three weeks to play with, then all the better! I feel like marking it all out on a calendar, but I think that's a bit obsessive. But then again who cares?

Here, is the massive list, for anyone who is interested!

 

• Cafe hop around Sydney and write my story, while eating delicious food and having a good lazy day of walking!
  
• Change my name on all my official documents and fill in all the forms to do so.
  
• Tax return!
  
• Collect the boxes I have left at Mum's.
  
• See Mum for my birthday.
  
• See Gill and Grant for my birthday.
  
• Buy Grant a birthday present.
  
• Buy Gill a cover for her Galaxy.
  
• Make Macaroni and Cheese.
  
• Have my first ever real birthday party with real friends!
  
• Gym it!
  
• Finally make that Kit Kat Peanut Butter Mousse Cake with a Peanut Caramel Layer!
  
• Make French Toast.
  
• Play some Final Fantasy X or X2 or XIII.
  
• Meditate.
  
• Practice more with my dilators and start retraining my muscle memory.
  
• Go to Ikea!
  
• Find some make up that doesn't flare up my skin!
  
• Re organise downstairs living area.
  
• Have girls day with Lucy.
  
• Do an at home facial and hair mask.
  
• High tea with Carly in pretty dresses and makeup!
  
• Get hair re coloured!
  
• Finish reading I am a Cat by Soseki Natsume
  
• See Sex Therapist.
  
• Be good to my self.
  
• Relax.
  
• Love my self.
  
• Don't worry be happy!
  

 

The last four items on that list were added in my James, he may be pissing me off at the moment to the point of tears, but he's still my gorgeous man, and these troubles shall pass, even if, at the moment, it doesn't seem like it will all end.

 

What do you enjoy doing In your holidays? What do you think I should add?

 

My Fitness Pal, Fitocracy, and Foodie Photos! Getting Healthy starts now!

This week my Mother started Weight watchers.

When I was young, probably around about when I was five, my Mother was a Weight watchers nut. She lost so much weight attending the meetings, which was great, but she lacked the willpower and the drive to keep it off. But she admits that it was something that worked for her.

I've been helping her with Weight watchers Online, which in it's own right, is a fantastic web based program, a lot better designed and developed from the old fashioned book that I used to read through when I was little.

The key factor here is money, and since I do not have a lot of it, and I am already paying for a gym membership, I decided, for me, I needed something to use that was well, cost free.

 Both my Mother and I really want and need to loose weight. So instead of going it alone, I thought we could do it together!

I have a different game plan.

Through a blogger I found through Twitter, the wonderful Tatterededges from Engaged, I found surprising, the most easy and interactive way to log what I eat! I had found that every single time I signed up to a site, I hated it, as well as the iPhone apps that went along with it.

But the one that survived the cull is the site and app of My Fitness Pal.

You can track your weight, your food, your calories, your exercise, even how many glasses of water you drink, and at the end of every day, depending on whether or not you have completed entering your meals for the day, an approximate guesstimation of what you will weigh in five weeks.

I find this a fantastic motivator, I try and work hard every time to get that number lower and lower.

The next site and app that I am having so much FUN with is Fitocracy!

If you're a gamer, so much the better. This is what I was dreaming off. You can complete challenges, log your workouts, and you earn experience points to level up! How cool is that?

I go harder and faster each time, just so I can earn more points to level up with. When I see that little robot chewing up my data to see how many points I will earn, my stomach just flutters. When I broke through to level five after my hardest work out ever, well, I couldn't help but dance around the change room!

But the main break through that I have had with my diet, is the simple power of a camera. I have taken photos of everything that I have eaten this week. I successfully guilted into reducing my portion sizes, cutting out the crap, and brightening up my diet with fresh fruits, vegetables and berries!

Posting via Instagram and Twitter also helped me get my diet up to shape.

Thanks to all of this, plus some very hard work with will power and a set in stone routine, I have already lost three kilos!

This is a fantastic result for me, and I feel so much better for it already. Besides the fact I am dosed up with the flu that my dearly beloved gave me, I actually feel good! I feel better than good, my knee has almost no pain now!

I am determined to go to the gym tomorrow, even though I am not feeling that well. Even if I sit on the bike for half an hour, or do some leg presses, I will NOT let this get the better of me!

What kind of technology has made your healthy lifestyle plans just that bit easier?