Mothers Day

Last night I made a Lemon Curd Cheesecake for Mothers Day.

Yesterday was a good day, and while I'm writing this, I am on a train to see my own Mother and two other women who were just as good.

I think today will be a good day.

But I am surrounded with women who can not conceive, and through all the trying to forget that I am young and have not even tried to have a child, I have to admit, even though I do not want to, that I am one of these women.

There are many women like me. They may just have drawn the short straw. The mould just might have been a little battered and out of shape when they were made, like my own mother, whose own attempts to have me almost resulted in the death of both of us. It may not be through any fault of their own bodies, like a member if my own family who would rather not have a child than risk them being an emotional wreck due to genetics. Those women who have it reversed, sometimes we forget that it's the men in our lives that could have drawn the short straw.

Then there are those like me.

Whose bodies just won't let anything in. With safe guards that keep them shielded from going through any sort of pain.

I don't even know if I am able to conceive properly. I may never have the chance. Everyone around me says that I'm so young and that I should leave all the worrying until later.

That's the thing about problems. Until the minute that they are over, it seems never ending. It's like you're in a pitch black room searching endlessly for a light switch, and you've no glow from your mobile phone to light your way.

People tell me that everything will be okay one day. But that's the thing with problems, you can't see a day without them.

You can't even dream of a time without it.

I can remember a time that I was truly in denial that I couldn't even have sex. I thought the end would be the same, just like with anyone else. I can count of more than one hand of how many pregnancy tests I took. It was that horrible. Your mind twists and warps itself until you obsess. The times where I was sick and taking antibiotics and my period was put in hold because of them, my mind would conger pictures of virgin births and James leaving me because there was no way that the baby could be his.

I think that was my lowest. I would sit in a public bathroom in my local shopping centre instead of doing it at home, because I was so scared to be found out and have to admit that I was going just a little bit insane.

Now that I look back on it, I think, how in earth could I think that I was pregnant? I was so stupid and so young.

It's days like this that I put everything into other people. I make a cake and make a fuss and buy thoughtful presents and listen and make pots of tea and just forget.

It's easier for me on these days I think.

But trust me, tomorrow it will all come back. I have put off reading all these Mothers Day posts until tomorrow, because well, I don't want anything to wreck the little trance of others that I put myself into.

But I will say this, to every single women, whose life is filled with sadness because of the absence of a child. You are not as alone as you think you are.

And that there is very important.

The first thing my therapist told me was that I am not alone.

And I am not. Sometimes I may think I am, but I am most definitely not.

There is help around every corner.

Mothers Day is not JUST for Mothers.

If you had any hand in the upbringing of a child, then you can count yourself loved. So to all the aunts and sisters and grandmothers and great grandmothers and foster carers and nannies.

If you are a women and have made a difference in the life of a child, then today is for you.

Food!Porn and Homemade Easter Eggs

Everyone knows that I love to cook.

Of course I love to cook, I wouldn't have become a Chef if I didn't!

 What everyone LOVES however, is the things that I bring into work. Everyone knows that when there is a special occasion or a special holiday, I will come in with the goodies! Since I've been working at David Jones, I've spoiled everyone with some things.

They've had Lamingtons, Salted Caramel Cupcakes, Rocky Road Bites, Chocolate Chip and Oatmeal Pecan Cookies and Coconut Rough, to name a few, but at Easter? I think I outdid myself.

 Now, usually, I would share my recipe, but this one I worked very hard on. I adapted it and changed it and make it into something great. These recipes are going into my little black book, and there they are going to stay, for my own cafe!

But I'm sure that you all wouldn't mind some delicious Easter Egg Food Porn!

This just goes to show you, if you have a flavour, you can do almost anything, and create your own Easter Eggs! Which I have to say, will be about eighty times better than any rock hard overpriced confection that you can buy during the season.

Lets just say this, the ingredients for all of this cost about thirty to forty dollars. It would have been way less if I had made the egg casings themselves.

I handed out Easter Eggs to about forty people that day.

Do you know how much it would COST to buy Easter eggs for FORTY people?

 Anyway, without further a due, the Food Porn.

Lets see how much spam I get from this!

Preparing the Peanut Salted Caramel

The one thing I can tell you is to leave out the salt if you are making this a Peanut Salted Caramel. If not, then pile in the grated sea salt!

Dark Chocolate Ganache

 Use a dark chocolate when pairing something that is quite sweet. The slight bitterness of the Dark Chocolate and the sweet saltiness of the Caramel go very well together. I am a traditionalist with flavor. My friend Francesca from Sweet Delights thought SHE was a traditionalist, nothing in comparison to me!

Topping the Eggs with Caramel and Ganache

Nothing says food!porn more than glossy ganache pouring down into a caramel chocolate shell!

Freshly filled Easter Eggs

I wish I could have left some of them like this, but they would NOT fair up very well during transport, I tell you that!

Rocky Road Ganache, and Salted Peanut Caramel Pistachio and Dark Chocolate

I can not tell you how happy and how proud of these I was. I had developed these ideas and flavors and recipes all on my own. The only way I would have been happier is if I had made all the eggs myself, but there were simply too many and too little time to do so.

And how did I use the rest of the ingredients?

Making Truffles in my PJS! Oh yeah~

Chocolate and Pistachio Truffles of course!

Everyone simply LOVED these. They have been my biggest hit yet! I even got comments from people who had pinched some off other people! My favorite? The Peanut Caramel. I simply have to make some more and use it in something else. It was perfect, if I don't say so myself.

Do you make things for the holidays? Special treats? What is your favorite holiday recipe!

Windows of Perfection

Okay. Friday night. We had all the makings for either Spinach and Ricotta Cannelloni, or Meatballs with Penne Pasta in the fridge, and I had worked overtime.

Again.

James has picked me up after seeing my Therapist, and after a long car ride filled with five-thirty Friday night traffic, I DID NOT want to cook.

Even Chef's hate the sight of a kitchen sometimes!

So after about ten minutes of discussing what we should cook for dinner, and no, we shouldn't share a Happy Meal on the way home, James made me admit I wanted to go out.

And I did! I had just spent the last half an hour sitting in the Porterhouse Irish Pub nursing my Lemon Lime and Bitters, watching people being brought Chicken Wings with Blue Cheese Sauce, and Hot Wedges and Sour Cream. I wanted some waiting on damn it!

That's when James suggested this little totally hidden Italian restaurant in what seemed like a suburban street around the back of a KFC in Dee Why. He was highly critical, saying we wouldn't get a table because it gets damn busy. But I thought, hey, we can always get chicken next door.

We did get a table, sitting outside, and although I had to throw on my jacket, it had to be the most enjoyable little date night I have had for a very long time.

Now, recently, dates nights have been... non existent. With James being out of work and not having a lot of money, and with myself having to pay for more and more, well, date nights are not really much of an option. Romance too. I mean, how can he even think romantic thoughts if all you're worrying about is paying the bill at the end?

But this place? No need to worry about having a heart attack at the end! Not with the plates of pasta costing ten dollars but looking enough for twenty! And about six slices of garliced pana casa for TWO DOLLARS? I seriously thought something had gone wrong with the bill!

The service was brilliant. A real family type business. You can really tell too! Tables are set up through and outside this Italian Deli, which makes it a quirky but a really relaxed atmosphere too.

But in all seriousness, this was one of the very best nights I've had recently. Everything has been so strained recently, I've been so stressed, and James has been down and out about his job situation, the job market is so so bad, we haven't been like we used to be.

But like it happened with me, I think once James gets a job, everything will be alright again. When I was out of work, for those ten months, it happened to me like it is happening to James now. The depression, the sense of worthlessness, feeling like you're a complete child when you're a fully grown adult.

So it's moments like this I treasure. Us going out to dinner so calmly, no planning or scrimping before hand, no ordering things off the menu and worrying about the cost, James paying the bill without feeling sick to the stomach about it, like nothing is wrong and everything is perfect. Us coming back to a house that is empty because his parents have gone to the property for a long long weekend. Being able to be a normal volume in bed without worrying about who might hear. Being able to sleep till ten o'clock in the morning without worrying what his parents might think. Seriously, I didn't even feel James getting out of bed, or hear him trip and bump his way to the bathroom, or wake up when he turned the light on and off. He was up, showered, shaved, dressed, went out to an interview, and back home to wake me up before I even realized what time it was!

For that little window of time, I felt... normal. At peace. Content with my life. Like everything was as it should be.

Do you have those moments? Those perfect moments? When are your life is just, even for a few minutes, just right?

Please please OH PLEASE send us some good vibes! James had the interview this morning, and he has a trial next week! It's a little cafe style place which would be perfect for him to obtain some new skills! And close too, so please oh please oh please. Let this place give him a chance, just like David Jones did with me!

Sunday Sessions - Nice and Relaxed!

You know, when I was younger, I HATED music. I never listened to the radio, or to cassette tapes (unless it was a book on tape), or CDS. I remember when I was in Year Three, I think it was, I was about Eight years old, and I had hidden the song book of a Wiggles CD that I had won in a contest, between the pages of my book during silent reading. Some kid came along and ripped it out of the book and waved it around, yelling out what a baby I was. Come on, I was a little Eight year old girl! And EVERYONE laughed. And teased me. And taunted me. That had me done with CD's until I hit High School, and I discovered the radio.

A few years later, I saw one of the 'Popular Girls' carrying a Bob the Builder backpack, and she was treated like a god. Go figure.

But now, like the rest of us Apple drones, I can't go anywhere alone without my iPod!

So today, I'm linking up with oh antipodes! Who has a very lovely sleek new blog, for her little linky, Sunday Sessions! Sounds very... Sunday to me, so lets get to it!

Now, because the little miss has picked two of the songs that I am currently listening to for her little session, I had to think a bit about this one.

Today, I spent most of the day cleaning. And when I clean, I like to have nice calming music to help get me in a nice placid mood to tidy. But of course, I had to sweep around the feet of James and his Playstation today, so I was forced to listen to Final Fantasy XII battle music. Sigh.

Here is what I WOULD have been listening to!








Ah, Youtube. One of my favourite ways to listen to music! And this is perfect for a lazy day, or a little bit of cleaning. Studio Ghibli has gorgeous music to begin with, but Acoustic versions? LOVE.

Make sure to check out the other three parts! The music is all so very beautiful <3

And another slow piece for this Sunday. Exile Vilify by The Nationals. Most people who recognize this as a little hidden Easter egg in the game Portal2, this is from the game's soundtrack, and is just lovely and calm and a little bit melancholy. Best viewed on Youtube, or where I first found it, at Chell in the Rain.






And why not, lets send everyone to sleep for this lazy afternoon! From Kingdom Hearts II, the music from Twilight Town. Ironically called Lazy Afternoon by Yoko Shimomura.





Guaranteed to send everyone into a lovely little nap, like when you're lazing around on a warm sunny Summer afternoon!

That's it for me! Hopefully some more upbeatness next time we chat, but don't forget to join oh antipodes for her Sunday Sessions!

Our Second Anniversary by the Beach

Ah, Number Three on my ThirtyBeforeThirty list! Which was this, 'Blog all about my two year anniversary to my tenth anniversary with James! (The first one was a black out!)'.

This year, it was James' turn, so that means he had to all the planning and the arranging and everything!

So this year, we were off to The Entrance for a few days next to the ocean!

Unfortunately, the weather was not as we desired. Horizontal rain the first day, and ominous black clouds, right until the day of our departure. But that was okay, there really wasn't much to do outside anyway.

James complained on the very first day that there was nothing to do! That he was disappointed, but to be honest, I wasn't really. This was our first holiday without any of our friends, to a place I had never been before. Sure, we spent all the time doing things we would have done in Sydney, but hey, no girl can complain about being by the water, even this one who hates sand!

I may have been bored, but I was not disappointed.

Our room was a one bedroom studio, complete with a little kitchenette, a quite roomy fridge, and a balcony with a little table and two wicker chairs. The bed was completely cornered off with great big wooden slat doors on rollers, so at night, no light came through.

When we arrived, we took a quick stroll down the side of the beach, but quickly had to run back inside because the sky threatened rain! It was a pretty laid back day, we watched television in our room, and scoured the net, looking for things to do. The local Stockland centre had a Red Room machine, so we hopped in the car and rented a movie. We also picked up some deliciousness from Bakers Delight, which made our whole car smell of garlic and Parmesan cheese.

For dinner, we frequented the local Bowling Club, avoided all the staring eyes of the older folk downstairs in the bar, and headed up to the Star Buffet!

Now, when I was little, I remember about how my family used to go to buffets. I remember yucky bain marie food, with dry mud cake and soft serve ice cream for dessert. This, by far, was all you could eat paradise.

If I was hungry enough, I could have gone back for seconds for sure! We arrived there... at a time even I wouldn't think to be socially acceptable to have dinner at. But it turns out, it was the BEST time. All the food was coming out fresh, there was only another family and another couple in there, and it was quiet! It looked good, it smelled good, and it was very very good!

I had a little plate of Asian dishes, Honey Chicken, Rice Noodles, Dim Sims, and Mongolian Beef, which was so tender I could bite all the way through it. And for dessert, a little bowl of piping hot Apple Crumble and Clotted cream. Not much use of an all you can eat buffet, but the food was worth it.

The next morning, the morning of our anniversary, we ventured down next door to the DCE Cafe, and had some breakfast that contained too much bacon, and a soy milkshake that tasted exactly like a Banana Paddlepop, and watched our movie of choice.

Then back to Stockland to return our DVD, and indulge in a little Kmart shopping! My, did I come back with a bundle! A pair of dark jeans for 19$, a pair of PURPLE jeans for 29 (Yes! Finally some colored jeans!) and a throw for 19$.

For once, I have come back from a holiday with more clothes than I left with, INSTEAD of James!

Don't worry, I bought him some presents too~ Kingdom Hearts One & Two for his reserved vintage Playstation Two in Parramatta Westfield!

So in my new purple jeans, we hightailed it back to the room, and out to a movie at a little two theater cinema with old fashioned fold down seats and a tiny screen! It's been years since I've sat in seats like this! We watched Mirror Mirror, which we both enjoyed immensely. I may have to rethink my thoughts on Zooey Deschnael being the perfect Genevieve look-a-like, Lily Collins was beautiful in her thief like get up with her stunning black hair towards the end.

I forgot to mention the very nice rainbow that waited for me when I opened up the blinds to the balcony that morning. James! How did you arrange this?!

For our anniversary dinner, I had Margarita Style Pizza and James had some Tortellini Carbonara. Our poison of choice, Pepsi Max and Lemon Lime and Bitters in wine glasses. It was nice, even though James forgot to bring out the candles that he brought with us, and I forgot to buy matches at the Supermarket.

The next morning, James made me pancakes out of a bottle, and we smothered them in maple syrup and strawberries! Plain Buttermilk Pancakes are the best kind I think.

Little did we know but we were leaving Friday the Thirteenth! So we were destined to a spoiled day, and eight hours worth of driving, and very sore rear ends! Long story short, we left The Entrance to drive to Parramatta so we could pick up James' Playstation 2, and for me to spend 200$ on leather boots. Which are SO worth the price. Anyway, we received a call from the hotel telling us that we LEFT OUR ESKY IN THE ROOM. Fuck. Another two hours there and another two hours back.

At least I got boots.

Tomorrow James and I are going to see my Sex Therapist, and then having breakfast at Orto Trading Co! I still can't decide whether or not to have the Breakfast Platter, or the Potato Rosti stuffed with Fetta and Spinach, but I'll be glad to celebrate our relationship somewhere a bit more my style.

For now, I'm going to do my thing while I watch James play Kingdom Hearts on our newly acquired PS2. Maybe I can sneak a game while he's away on interviews, or maybe prise the controller out of his hands while he's sleeping!

Happy Anniversary my Darling!

Back in Time: Lost in Dreams, a Link up with Me!

Last night, I was sucked out of my life, and dropped back into my eight year old body.

I don't know why it happened, what I did, but all I knew is that I went to sleep with James beside me, and I woke up with a bed full of teddy bears.

But I had my own brain. Imagine that, the brain of a twenty one year old in the body of an eight year old girl.

I knew that I had to keep the timeline as it was. I had to go through all that pain again, the divorce, my mother's illness, the fights, the teasing, and everything else, just to be able to get back to where I was.

But the timeline had already changed.

Flash forward to twelve. My father was the one was kind and caring and always there for me. My mother just ignored me like I wasn't there.

I remember telling my father all about the timeline, how it played out in my own time, how old I really was, how I was so sad and desperate because it had changed so very much and how there was no chance in hell that I was going to meet James again.

I think he thought I was a little bit crazy at first, but he told me that if I was truly meant to be with him, I would meet him again, not matter how much the timeline changed.

That is something that my mother would say.

Then something happened, I'm not sure, maybe my mother passed away instead of beating her illness, but ended up moving to Manly to live with my father.

I ended up going to the same high school as James did. It was a weird place, with many many open levels, we were in the clouds most of the time. I had changed, living with my father had made me different on the outside, not on the inside. I had the long hair I had always wanted, and I was large, but without being too large. I was pretty, without looking and dressing like a prostitute like all the other girls.

The first time I saw him was in the school assembly crowd. The drama department was doing a flash mob dance to the hip hop beat of Change by JunHyun from Beast.

I stayed back when everyone left, James still hadn't had a shower from Gym class. I was still there when he exited the shower, he was in a towel and there was no one else around.

When I first saw him, I said, "You're so young."

I had never seen him this young before.

"I know." He said. He was still dripping wet.

Flash to me, I'm outside, I'm walking along, with my bookbag, and I'm writing in a book, a book decorated with owls for wisdom. I am writing everything down that I cam remember, everything about my old life, and everything I can remember about him. A girl was pushing James towards me, he was dressed, carrying a bag of his own. She kept saying, "Ask her! Ask her!"

He finally approached me.

"Have... I met you before? I mean, you seem so... familiar?"

I smiled.

But then the world started to turn on me again. It started to disintegrate, I was sucked skyward, into this vortex, and I fought to say in time.

"Twothousandandseven! Twothousandandseven! Sydney! Ultimo! Do Pastry! Baking and Pastry! Find me! FIND ME!"

My book of wisdom slipped from my hands and fell down to James.

Then I woke.

Source: dressdesigndecor.blogspot.com via Kate on Pinterest

I've been having some strange dreams of late, and I saw there wasn't a linkup around that I could find! So I thought that I would create my own! If you've been having strange dreams lately, or if you can remember ones that have been stuck in your brain, then join in! Grab the button and have a go! I can't wait to read them <3

<div align="center"><a href="http://bouncybrittonie.blogspot.com.au/search/label/lostindreams" title="Lost in Dreams; A link up with Brittonie!" target="_blank"><img src="http://i.imgur.com/IC9MT.jpg" alt="Lost in Dreams; A link up with Brittonie!" style="border:none;" /></a></div>

Vaginismus and the Gynecologist.

On Thursday, I made my very first trip to the Gynecologist.

It may seem a bit overdue, I mean, I am twentyone, but honestly, I have never had a reason to go before. I have never been sexually active, and thankfully, never had any problems.

Until now.

That day, I took a bus to Wynyard, and then a slow walk to Martin Place train station, and then a quick train ride to Bondi Junction. Have I told you how much I love Bondi Junction? Particularly the giant spread out Westfield! It is so easy to get distracted and lost within the multiple levels of shopping heaven!

I wish I could have been more distracted.

I arrived quite early, just like I always do, and found myself at Laurent Bakery, and sat down for a Hot Cross Bun and a Soy Hot Chocolate. I did take a lovely picture of melting butter and soft bun, but sadly, Instagram crashed on me.

When ninethirty came, I took a walk through the David Jones Food hall to see how the sister store was looking compared to my own counter. Needless to say, I think Market Street is a lot better, from the range to the presentation.

My appointment was at tenoclock, and that was when I found myself in the Gynecologist's office. It was the exact opposite of what I thought it would be. It was not sterile and plain as I thought it would be, it was pink and bright and had a massive television and a table full of current magazines and a giant BOWL full of wrapped chocolates!

Of course the butterflies were too busy trying to explode out of my mouth for me to want to take one.

I filled out my forms, paid my whopping twohundredandseventydollars, and was ushered in my an enthusiastic older lady.

She introduced herself was off like a rocket asking me all these different questions.

She was very professional, no nonsense, I liked that.

Then she asked me if it was okay to do an examination.

I said yes.

She told me that she would proceed to check the skin around my Vaginal Lips, the Hymen, and the Inner Lips. If everything was right there, she would check the Inner Vaginal Walls. Then if everything went to plan there, she would take a swab from inside, just like in a pap smear.

I was scared, but I wanted to get this over and done with. I would come out the other side and KNOW that there is something wrong with me physically that could be fixed.

She asked me to get up onto this little reclining chair, with some pads to place my feet upon. Not like the stirrups and complete nakedness with the little paper gown and the sterile looking clean mess of blue and white that I was expecting. I sat there with what was left of my dignity, and was so glad that I was going to find out exactly what was wrong down there, and be able to fix it.

I was brave, I was strong.

She could barely check my inner walls.

I was not brave. I was not strong.

My Lips, fine. My Hymen, fine. My Inner Walls, everything fine.

Not a blockage, not an abnormality, not a cyst, not a perforated hymen in sight.

She told me everything was A-Okay! And I burst into tears.

Without making a fuss, she passed me a tissue, let me get dressed, and sat me down. I preferred that to being comforted.

She began to list the reasons why people could not have sex.

Maybe it's because they have had a strict upbringing, where sex was taboo. Maybe you've had it ingrained in your subconscious that sex before marriage is wrong. Maybe you've had a previous negative sexual experience and couldn't stand going through it again. Maybe it's for a lot of reasons. Sometimes it is for no reason whatsoever.

But she did say that we found the best thing we could ever find through that session. That there was nothing physically wrong. I know now that this is a blessing.

Of course, my brain did not think that at the time.

So I left, and when I was finishing up the paper work at the front desk, the nice lady told me that chocolate fixed everything, and that I could help myself from the giant bowl.

So I picked myself a chocolate, found the closest bathroom, and cried steadily for about fifteen minutes.

So much so that I had a little pregnant woman knocking on the door to the cubicle asking if I was okay. She thought I had found out that I was pregnant. Bless her soul, I almost kicked the door down.

So I spoke to my mother, who assured me that everything would be fine. That it sucked that there was nothing so simple as to be fixed, and that eventually, with hard work, everything will be alright again.

She made me feel better.

I ate my chocolate, washed my face, and went back down to meet Lucy for some lunch.

Everything was running in the back of my mind, along with my pounding headache.

It's all in your head, it's all in your head, it's all in your head. You're a worthless girlfriend. You're not a woman at all. You'll never even be able to TRY to have children. You're incorrect. You're broken. You'll never work properly. You're useless. You'll never have sex. James will leave you. You'll never make love. No one will want you. You'll never have sex. You're different. You'll never have sex. You'll never have sex. You'll never have sex.


It took a while for my brain to stop thinking this way. Until after I saw my Sex Therapist the next day.

But for tonight, I think this is enough. I want to separate both my experiences, so I can look back on them.

So this was my little mental breakdown. But I assure you, after thinking and talking with my Therapist. It turned into a little epiphany. Which I will tell you all about next time.

And that I'm glad for.